Paul Andrew Sneddon

Seen

People walked past her without looking. Someone in the crowd bumped into her and just kept moving. She saw a wee cafe on the corner, pushed the door open and it was scotch pies and soup and warmth.

A waitress walked by and smiled.

“Hiya, just sit anywhere you like.”

She took a seat near the back and ordered a coffee.

The waitress brought it over and she held the cup in her hands and breathed out slowly.

The rain fell on the window as she looked into her cup and swirled it round. Out on the street, someone ran past with their coat pulled up over their head.

Amy checked her phone.
No messages.
No notifications.
Just like yesterday.

She pulled her jumper down over her hands.

The waitress stopped.

“You alright, love? You after anything else?”

“Oh, just another coffee, full caff, please.”

The waitress smiled.

Amy noticed the name tag: Lorna.

The crowd from the bingo was in. Someone mentioned legs eleven and they burst out laughing,

Lorna brought the coffee over.

“Here you are. Can I get you anything else?”

“I’m… okay, thanks.”

Lorna considered her for a moment and stepped closer.

“You alright?”

“Oh, I’m alright, thanks. This is a really nice place.”

“Thanks, if you need anything, just give me a shout. I’m Lorna, by the way.”

“I’m Amy.”

“Pleasure.”

Lorna turned and walked back to the counter. The couple in the window seat were arguing over something. The woman raised her voice, Amy watched from the corner of her eye as Lorna walked over and leaned between them, voice low.

The rain got heavier. Water ran down the street like rivers. The older woman at the counter gave Lorna a towel to put down at the base of the door.

“Thanks boss. This weather, Jill,” sighed Lorna.

Jill’s laugh was more wheeze than anything else.

Amy didn’t look up as they walked back. She heard them from the counter.

“What’s the deal with that lassie? She’s taking the piss sitting here all day wi’ two coffees” grumbled Jill.

Amy could feel herself turning red, the heat rising in her face. She stared at her phone like it had the answers.

“Two coffees. She’s not doing any harm, Jill. She seems a bit of a soul.”

Jill sighed.

“Well, see if she wants anything else, eh?”

Lorna made her way over.

“Hey, how’s your coffee? Can I get you anything else?”

Amy looked up at her from her phone, the screen in the middle of refreshing.

“Oh, I’m okay. I should get going.”

“You don’t need to rush off.”

Amy looked back at Jill, who was watching.

“It’s fine, honestly.” Amy stood and pulled on her coat.

Jill mumbled something under her breath.

Lorna looked back and mouthed, “Don’t be an arsehole.”

She put her hand on Amy’s arm.

“You’re welcome anytime, love.”

“Thanks.”

Amy was back out into the street and the rain. She pulled her coat tight.

The queue at the taxi rank looked miserable.

She crossed the road and turned down the back streets.

She got home. It was dark and cold. She didn’t switch on the light. She nearly slipped on the unopened post.

She ignored the dirty dishes in the kitchen sink.

She pulled the duvet up on the couch, felt the coldness against her and typed into her phone.

“I spoke to someone today. Someone saw me.”

She put the phone down and sat in the darkness, listening to the rain on the window.

Blue

Part One

The light is fading out,
The shadows have a new lease of life.
I cough once, twice.
I sound like a motorcycle engine starting up.
I breathe in deep,
Fuck.
Fuck this.

The day never started.
I’ve slept.
Not much else.

My lungs feel like concrete.
Every breath is a battle.
Wearing me down.
Wearing me out.

Got the lights down low.

I took the bins out earlier,
Took me an hour to recover.
Heart trying to escape my chest.

Beating like an unreliable drummer.

But I’m here
And I’m grateful
And I’m lucky.

I’m not good at waiting.
Waiting to feel better.
I’d rather be down in the trenches.
A work in progress.

Put some music on.
Close my eyes.

Part Two

How blue can you be?
Pretty fucking blue.
Like the planet.

Or the guitar by the bed.
I read it’s 620–670 Terahertz,
But it feels more like “Blue Car” by Greg Brown.
The radio just doesn’t do that.
Put the song on.
Let it play.

Down from the mountain.
The smell from her vape still lingers.
Yellow hair.
The way her body felt next to mine.
Those late nights.
Early mornings.
Up all night, watching the sunrise over our little town.
I drive down its old streets, alone at 5:00 AM.

Green.
Yellow.
Red.

Blue.

Waiting.

Watching the birds soaring through the morning sky.
Staying warm.
Or are they out of here?

Am I the only person alive in this whole town?

Waiting for the blue light to change.
Park up.

Walk through the cracked pavements and empty streets,
Alone at the coffee shop.
Everyone fussing about nothing.

Black coffee.
Pure.
Simple.

Sunset, all orange and yellow.
If I could paint, I would paint it.
If I could sing, well I’d be a different person.
I don’t have much.
These words

And the world turns.
And life goes on.
So I sit beneath the darkening sky,
With an old guitar, just missing her for a while.

Part Three

Till I walk along the river
Winding through this town,
Through our lives,
To the bus station,

Lit up in the street lights.
Someone sleeping on the bench
Look at the destinations
Maybe I’ll just

Go

Somewhere.
Anywhere.
She had the choice.
She stayed.
For love.
For me.

I’m moving.

Past all the rows of houses. .
Back to where I belong.

To myself.
To her.

Part Four

Sleeping in our bed.
Her fan on.

Even in the winter -2 outside.

The moonlight above the trees sneaking in the window.

Her skin.
Her touch.

Our bodies together.

Her kiss.
The world fades.
Her.
Me.
Home.

Part Five

We’re in the garden on those two camp seats we bought for the beach.
Speaker playing her favourite band,
I hope they tour again.

Fuck, the world got old.
We’re older too.
But young enough.
And happy.

Her favourite song,
the one she heard at the Chinese restaurant playing country music.
It’s a beauty.

Beneath a blue Ayrshire sky.

Still here.
Still in love.

I hear the snare.
The guitar.
The music.

The big blue beautiful sky.

Let’s dance, while we can.
In this moment.

Part 6

She sat at the table.
Doing a jigsaw.
Cup of coffee.

Worried about the state of the world.

She said:
“Read me something.
Something you wrote.”

I read her:
“Ayrshire Light”
“Context”

A chapter from “Burn”

She laughed.
She smiled.
Worried what her mum would think.

She said:
You know.

The writing.Is you.

Anyone else.
I probably would have told them to fuck off.
But I told her.
I know.

Me and the Page

I’m not afraid to tell people that I write.
In fact I’m not sure I give a fuck.

Sitting around worrying what people will think
will hollow you out,
steal the light from your eyes.

You can’t live that way. You shouldn’t live that way.

You are welcome to read.
If you like it then great.
If you don’t then that’s cool too.

But when the sun burns out,
and breathing isn’t easy,

it’s me and the page.

Why am I telling you this?
I’m not.
This is a reminder.
A reckoning.

130 Tonnes

The light in the darkness you walked towards.
A way out.
Safety.
That was the train rolling down the track,
130 tonnes that can’t turn back,
And you remember,
There are no saviours.
Just you.

The voice that you heard
Said it was on your side.
“Just send us £50,
We’ll make it alright.”
And you remember
There are no saviours.
Just you.

Early morning light,
Looking in my own eyes,
Lines on my face.
There are no saviours.
Just you.

Pulling on my shoes,
Ready or not.

Drive Home

One 

Some days she loves me. 
Some days she hates me. 
And some days she can't make up her mind.

I don't blame her,
I understand. 
Nobody is perfect. 
Least of all me. 

So I get up. 
Get dressed. 
Shirt and tie. 
Aftershave.
Paracetamol.

I go to work. 
The dealership on the corner. 
Clock in.
Clock out. 

"I'm buying." 
"I'm not buying." 
"Does this come with side cameras?" 

You like the car? 
You buy the car. 

I won't rip you off. 
Well, you know, we’ve all got to make a living.  

In the evening, 
I go to the pub. 
I drink. 
Just enough.

When I come home, 
we either sit down to dinner, 
like the old days. 

Or the house is dark. 
She's sleeping. 
So I drink.  
Lights out. 

I don't know what to do. 
So I just do. 

Two 

Some nights, 
I drive. 
Down into the city.
Past the crowds. 

I stop at the cinema,
and watch a film. 
No superheroes,
just life. 

I drive home. 
There's a note, 
she is staying at her sister's. 

She loves me. 
I love her too.

Three 

We’re not selling enough cars. 
Customers aren't spending, 
it's the economy. 

The dealership in town is doing well. 

I’m called to the office. 
I'm selling okay, but I look rough. 
Tired. 
Crumpled. 

Last warning. 

I drive home.
She's  gone. 
She's taken her stuff.

Gone. 

I just sit.
On the stairs.
I'm not sure how long.

Put on the TV, 
and flick through the channels.
Switch it off. 

Front step. 
6 years of mortgage payments. 
I don't see myself in the pictures from the day we moved in. 

Different person,
different life.

So I drive, 
to the shore. 

But when I get there, 
all there is 
is sea.

I sit by the water, 
an old tree washed ashore.
The wind stirring up a sandstorm.

A dog rushes by,
chasing a ball.
Stupid fucking dog.

He brings it to me.
What?
What do you want?
Big tongue hanging out.
He barks.
I throw it
and he runs off.
Splashing in the water.

He brings it back, 
Jumps up at me.
Oh fucks sake.
I throw the ball again,
and a woman rushes over.
"Oh I'm sorry" 
She's down the beach after him.

I sit there.
Watch the sun go down.
I drive home.