A short piece of dark Christmas humour.
First Sighting
Christmas Santa uses the chimney.
This one comes through your open window.
Drinks your booze.
Steals your presents and strolls out the front door like he owns the place.
Police are looking for a fat man in a red suit.
Last seen heading up the high street with a sack of your stuff.
Second Sighting
Just seen Santa in the park,
shouting at all the people,
calling them a bunch of bastards.
A woman came over, told him to fuck off.
His dog Rudolf jumped up
and bit her in the bum.
Third
Burnt out Santa didn’t bother this year.
He’s been doomscrolling,
disappearing down a black hole.
He posted:
”Maybe next year
#santaisfuckedoff”
Fourth time lucky
I used to go out with this lassie,
had a thing for Santa.
The suit, the beard, the whole damn lot.
Was the only way she would get off.
Which is why I ended up
with my picture in the paper.
Up on the roof,
in the full Santa costume.
On a hot July day.
Five in a dive (bar)
It was a bit surreal
at the open mic tonight,
being heckled by Santa.
Sat at the bar
with a whisky
and a bad attitude.
“Christmas is finished for you, you cunt.”
© Paul Andrew Sneddon
Paul Andrew Sneddon 